


How not to die when dating Hibari Kyoya

by Mo6918



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: 6918 - Freeform, Breaking of the 4th wall, Dirty Talk, Domestic, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, M/M, MukuHiba, Oblivious Kyoya, Strong Language, Their relationship may be weird but god they're in love, mentioned! anal sex, mentioned!Belphegor/Fran, mentioned!Ken, mentioned!smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 19:20:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20179399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mo6918/pseuds/Mo6918
Summary: Rokudo Mukuro is rambling about his relationship and shares some unique insights into the mystery that is Hibari Kyoya."Being with Hibari Kyoya is not the rollercoaster you might imagine. I was gonna say “is not as bad as you might think”, but that would imply that it is, in some respects, bad, which I really don’t want to impress upon you. Given a few basic requirements, it can be pretty nice, actually, rewarding even and, as mentioned before, not even a bumpy ride.Let me enlighten you"





	How not to die when dating Hibari Kyoya

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language  
I don't even like first person pov stories but Mukuro has some shit to say so I need to let the man speak

How not to die when dating Hibari Kyoya

Being with Hibari Kyoya is not the rollercoaster you might imagine. I was gonna say “is not as bad as you might think”, but that would imply that it is, in some respects, bad, which I really don’t want to impress upon you. Given a few basic requirements, it can be pretty nice, actually, rewarding even and, as mentioned before, not even a bumpy ride.  
Let me enlighten you. 

First of all, you need persistence bordering on obsession. You can’t win a man like Hibari Kyoya if a few broken bones, death threats or multiple tries to turn said threats into reality tend to make you give up. 

Second, you need imagination. Put yourself in the position of a mouse faced with a whole lot of holes hanging in the air. That is what Hibari gives you. Now what your imagination’s job is, is to picture the cheese around the holes. That’s how you create… Excuse me? You think I just made it sound like Hibari gives you a whole lot of nothing?  
Oya, oya…I didn’t mean to sound that harsh, but let’s work with that image for a moment longer. We’ll get to the rewards eventually.  
So you need imagination to fill the gaps between what he throws you and make the whole thing seem a lot less pointless and his demeanor a little less like he hates your guts. For example, I like to imagine that even if he claims kissing is pointless, he lets me kiss him not because he’s completely given up on ever getting me to stop trying, but because he likes me and is willing to do things for me that he doesn’t necessarily agree on. Romantic, isn’t it?  
Hibari is not.  
That’s number three: You need to bury all your romantic tendencies and you need to bury them deep. Dig that hole until you start to smell earth core, throw in your longing for romantic date nights, walks on the beach during sunset, candlelight dinners…and bury them. Cement the darn thing. You’re not gonna need any of those sentiments.  
Wanna buy your man flowers ‘cause it’s sweet? You better plant them in his front yard because Hibari Kyoya does not approve of “the ignorant butchering of plant life in favour of watching them wilt and die in an insufficiently nutrient filled decorative container for your own amusement now get out of my house, Mukuro.”

Let me throw you a bone here, so you don’t start thinking I’m a masochist in love with a horrible monster (which I kind of totally am): If you do actually plant the flowers in his garden, it might make him smile. Even comment on it, on a good day.

Number four. Number four would be good health and strong bones, I suppose. Hibari is not a violent man per se but he will break bones you didn’t know you had or needed if you make the wrong move. It helps being an illusionist so you can send illusions to test the waters.  
Also don’t send illusions to test the waters. He will put you in his hedgehog until you suffocate. 

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of being inside a hedgehog: Roll is his pet-weapon who, while cute, shy and easily scared most of the time, can turn into a variety of things that will end your life in painful ways. One of those things is a sphere that I am sure was created to torment me and/or see me naked in case I’m wearing only illusionary clothes.  
Hibari got the hedgehog from the future and claims neither to know nor to believe his future self was thinking about me at all when he or even if he created the things Roll can do, but I’m pretty certain the fact that one of the things this sphere form does is cancelling out illusions proves, that Hibari Kyoya wants to see me buttnaked. Maybe that’s where requirement number two kicks in on my part. Remember? Imagination. With a healthy dose of optimism.  
Lucky for me I have Roll pretty much on my side by now. It took a lot of care and granola bars to get there, but the little thing loves me. 

Which leads us to requirement number five. Be good to and with animals. And don’t acquire their friendship through openly feeding them snacks. Do it in private because Hibari will judge you and tell you how bad sugar is for the body while he slurps his hot chocolate with five spoons of refined sugar mixed in and sweetened crème on top.

Number six. Have a damn strong libido. I wish I could tell you this is because Hibari is a thirsty little fuckboy but not even I can delude myself enough to believe that. You’ll need a firm boner in order to survive whatever turn off he throws at you, basically.  
I mean, it’s easy to get hard with a man who’s, let’s see, your wildest fantasy and more, but try staying hard when he blankly asks you to hurry up and come because he’s getting tired and eager to sleep, while you’re pounding his ass. Yep He’s that kind of monster.  
Let me give you another example, that has reenacted itself a few times already: “I don’t mind.”  
This, ladies and gentlemen, queers and dears, is the best thing you’ll ever hear.  
Try dirty talk: “You like my cock up your tight little ass, Kyoya?” – “I don’t mind.” Yeah, try not getting limp faced with that attitude.  
First time I dicked him down and asked if he’s okay and that he should please tell me if I hurt him (seemed obsolete after breaking two of his ribs in the process of what I like to call foreplay) he tells me he doesn’t mind, too.  
It can be discouraging, if I may say so myself. It hasn’t kept me from sleeping with him repeatedly over the past three years. 

On the subject of “sleeping with someone”… Number seven: learn Hibari-speech or be prepared for a whole lot of misunderstandings. Most prominently, remember that the words “I fancy sleeping with you”, do not act as an invitation to put your hand in his pants and that he will break your fingers if you try. Every time. I promise.  
I tried my luck, for you, for me, for science and I can attest that in 12 our of 12 cases I got at least one finger broken if my follow up reaction to those words was trying to grab his dick, ass or nipples.  
Why he says it, then? Oya, I didn’t mention? We live together, but with separate bedrooms, duh. It’s what you’d expect, moving in with Hibari Kyoya, right? 

What you probably wouldn’t expect, and this is where we’re diving into the rewards already, is that it was Hibari who invited me to stay with him. It wasn’t a spontaneous thing and it wasn’t a romantic thing. It was thought through and he had his valid, rational and demure reasons:  
He was tired of not being able to punch me in the face when we were texting (which we started doing pretty soon after I escaped from the Vendicare again) and he thought it wasn’t appropriate for me and my pack to live in an abandoned cinema anymore. Also he wanted the cinema to be torn down and rebuilt as it borders on Namimori and he never liked that eyesore of the old Kokuyo land near his precious hometown.  
My “pack” is what he calls my friends or subordinated, probably mostly due to Ken and his wolf channel for which Hibari has kind of a soft spot. He likes animals and I suppose Ken is fluffy and brute enough to pass as a pet. No, Hibari is not into furry shit. Believe me, I tried. He wasn’t impressed with added ears or massive amounts of body hair.  
Do I sound desperate to you?  
Anyhow he got me and my pack out of the theatre and into Namimori. His own home and base had already been built near the Namimori shrine, a while away from the city center and he had, without my knowledge, built a little bungalow on the way between the Vongola base and his, in a way making my pack act as an early warning system for unwanted friendly visits.  
Did I mention we have reached reward waters here? Ken loved the place from the start, as it came complete with a fridge filled with snacks and not one but several gaming consoles. I suppose Kyoya wanted to give him something in return for taking me away from him and I’m sad to say, I seem to be easily replaced by gaming opportunities and a good supply of sweets and chewing gum.  
But see, that’s where you can tell, and don’t have to imagine, that he cares. He made sure my pack is well taken care of, especially Ken, but he also installed a bunker connected to his and the Vongola base in case of an attack, a rainforest shower for Chikusa, a pretty neat girly girl room for Chrome and… well Fran was already not needing much more than WiFi to text his then arch-enemy-now-boyfriend back then, so I guess there was no need to research any other interest of him, which I’m not sure he has, given that annoying people and texting his lover in Italy is all he does 24/7 when he’s visiting alone. 

So Hibari asked me to move in and when I confidently walked into his bedroom, which I knew well from countless unwanted nightly visits, to deposit my limited belongings, he kicked me in the shins and shoved me a few steps forward into what used to be his office and had, again, without my knowledge, been turned into another bedroom.  
“Because I know you prefer an actual bed. I also don’t want you anywhere near my futon.”  
That was the endearing explanation I got. It’s true, I prefer a mattress over a futon, but I would have compromised, and I don’t mind fucking him where ever, really. But, as you may have guessed and as I was too delusional to accept, Hibari Kyoya had not invited me to live with him to increase the amount of intercourse we have.  
He does, however, come to sleep in my bed sometimes and this is, to round this up, when he says things like “I fancy sleeping with you”. 

This is where it’s healthy to tone down on the imagination / optimism thing. He might also say something like “I feel like sleeping in a bed tonight” and it isn’t an invitation to eat his ass just as much as the whole “I want to sleep with you” thing is not. If and when he crawls under the blanket and says he wants to sleep in a bed, that is what he came for and that is what he’ll do. Do not try to interpret him otherwise. Really. Stop doing it. This is a reminder for myself, btw.

Hibari Kyoya is not a complicated or shy man, once you accept a few harsh facts. He says what he means, he just sometimes says it in ways no normal person would say or understand them. But I’m sure if he ever wanted to sleep with me, he’d say just that. 

Oya? That sounds sad and or like I’m a rapist? For sleeping with him and implying he doesn’t want it?  
I think I better dive further into that topic. Hear me out on this one. It’s not like I’m forcing him or anything. Let me quote you a conversation we had about a year ago: 

“You can’t deny you enjoy it when we do things like last night”, I said, triumphantly, but triumph is something Hibari Kyoya will not let you have for more than a fleeting second before butchering it before your very eyes without batting an eyelash.  
“I don’t particularly enjoy it. It’s just something my body does.” He actually said this, no shit.  
“Impaling yourself on my cock and fucking yourself on it is something your body just does?” I was mocking him, but that kind of wit doesn’t penetrate that thick skull of his too often.  
“Indeed”, he said simply, as if I had just been asking a clarifying question about the weather report. 

That, my dear children – I really shouldn’t be talking about my sex life to children, should I? – is how Hibari Kyoya sees sex. It’s something his body does. He doesn’t want it in particular, but he also doesn’t dislike it enough for it to be justified to call me a rapist, I’d say.  
Sleeping with him is something my body just does, you see. And trust me, I wouldn’t mind taking one for the team every once in a while even though I am more on the top spectrum of things, but this is hardly going to happen, ever, since Hibari is the most passive little thing you’ll ever see. He wouldn’t go through the hassle of fucking someone for just something that his body happens to do despite his disagreement with it.  
It’s not like he doesn’t enjoy it though. Physically I mean. He just doesn’t seem to care much about reaching his climax and all. The above mentioned “Hurry up I want to sleep” kind of comment can literally sprout from a mouth attached to a body covered in a thin layer of sweat and a drip drop or two of precum where his hard dick has leaked onto his belly.  
Let’s savour this image for a moment.  
Yes. That’s right. Savour it.  
Now let’s move on. So yes, he’s there, turned on and all, and tells you he wants to fucking sleep. It’s ridiculous but there it is. Hibari Kyoya how he lives and fucks. 

Of course I tried triggering him to tell me he wants sex, before, but I failed miserably. My plan was doomed from the start: I tried to thirst him out but apparently Hibari is way more okay to go without sex for weeks on end than I’ll ever be, even with illusions to fuck instead and all. We’d probably never have sex again if I hadn’t caved in and gotten my hands on the real Hibari again, instead of a sad illusion of the man.  
On a side note: Don’t fuck an illusion of your boyfriend when he’s at home. On a good day he’ll ignore it and walk past your room after a judgy glance, on a bad day… can you guess? That’s right, you’ll end up naked and rock hard in a hedgehog wondering what will kill you first, the lack of oxygen or the lack of Hibari-ass around your dick. 

But I’m getting off track here. Where were we? Ah, yes. The rewards. See, he cares. Just not about my sexual needs. He just doesn’t particularly like sex and that is okay. Sad, heartbreaking and unsatisfying, but okay.  
Wanna know what he does like, though?  
Hugs. 

If there’s one thing, that doesn’t include violence, that Hibari likes about human physical interaction, it’s hugs.  
Long ones.  
You know how eye contact actually gets awkward a lot faster than you might think? Hugs are the same. Try hugging your best friend for 10 seconds in silence. Or your mom. Or your weird aunt.  
Ten seconds are nothing to Hibari Kyoya.  
He wouldn’t even put his arms around me for just ten seconds. If he hugs, he’s come to stay. He once took a 15 Minute standing nap in the kitchen in my arms and walked away like nothing happened and that’s like not even his final form.  
He doesn’t much approve of wasting water, but it does happen, on occasion, that he joins me in the shower to hug. I used to tease him about liking my naked body so much he can’t even leave me alone in the shower, but I pretty much stopped that and learned to enjoy the simple gesture of a hug coming from a man who once slaughtered a dude before my very eyes for touching his butt.  
I am so lucky to be alive, bitches. 

He does like the standing hug. The out of nowhere “Oh you’re making tea let me just put my arms around your neck and my chin on your shoulder until the water is cold again” kind of hug.  
He also goes for the back hug sometimes. The “I see you’re not doing anything in particular and the nape of your neck is the place to be for my nose right now” kind of hug. He will snake his arms around me and cross them over my belly and just rest like this, breathing down my neck and sometimes making me incredibly horny with that but of course that is neither ever is intention nor does he ever do anything to relieve me. 

Another hug he likes is the slow couch crawl. We’re sitting on the couch, my feet are usually up on the table or the couch itself and he’ll move over, flop himself on top of me eventually and bury his arms under my back against all odds and pillows, squishing his face against my chest or collar bone for the best part of the evening. 

Funnily enough, hugging is something he accepts during movie nights. But don’t you dare trying to make out during a rom com like any other couple. He gets cranky and he doesn’t even like rom coms. He just hates insincerity and apparently, in Hibari Kyoya’s twisted little world, saying you want to watch a movie when you really just want some background noise for making out is completely dishonest, treachery and basically a sin that earns you a place in the deepest pits of hell. 

I’ve seen him wide eyed between horror, anger and hurt when I started kissing him during an ad break like he just caught me cheating on him with three Thai ladyboys. I honestly don’t know if he’d mind me cheating on him sexually but he does mind when I say “Let’s watch a movie” and horribly, most dishonestly, start trying to make out in the middle of it.  
Don’t ask me how his brain works, it’s a mystery I’m still trying to unravel, but I found that if I want to make out on the couch, it’s best to say “Let’s make out on the couch” instead of putting on a movie. Most of the time the answer is no, but at least I don’t get looked at like I just drowned a bag of puppies in our bathtub for nibbling on his ear during Twilight. We’ve seen all parts, don’t judge.  
He’s team Jacob, I’m team Edward, in case you were wondering. 

I probably just lost your interest on that one, didn’t I? 

If so, let me just conclude right here: it’s not a bumpy ride, with Kyoya. It’s pretty smooth since the violence comes at a constant flow and I can’t say I mind fighting him every now and then. Just like he doesn’t mind sleeping with me every now and then.  
It’s just something the body does.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.  
If we haven't lost your interest upon mentioning Twilight, leave kudos or a comment, I'm sure the man has more to tell about his relationship.  
Also maybe let me know if you want the smut.


End file.
